Beaten Down

You want to know the absolute worst way to spend a Friday afternoon? Try and take a 22 month old with regulation issues due to trauma for a blood draw. Followed by a dermatologist appointment where they tell you your wasting your time doing what your doing and there is really nothing else they can do. All after picking them up from daycare where they basically tell you that you gotta get this kid under control or he can’t stay there. Beaten down doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel right now. When you are watching your child in pain because of someone else’s careless choices it’s excruciating. I was for reunification. I believe in the power of redemption. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. I believe that life isn’t fair and some people are dealt the shorter straw every single time. But parenting a child of substance exposure is so much. And days like today make it so hard to feel anything other than anger. I hate that that’s how I feel. I want to have a kinder heart for understanding why a mother would make those kinds of choices but then I look at this little body that is struggling in every way and I can’t find it anymore. The grace, the forgiveness, it’s faded because this child is hurting and I feel so incredibly powerless.

(Edited to add that the dermatologist’s suggestion was to take him off of all supplements and start a prescription medication. I have literally spent the last year trying to rid this babies body of toxins, taking out the good stuff to add in more bad is the last thing I plan to do. Also, I know addiction and generational trauma are a very real thing but today this mom is just done)