Baby And A Boyfriend Overnight

One of the most frequent questions I got asked in the beginning and one of the statements I hear the most often is "I can't be a foster parent because I'm not married". I will tell you a little secret...I was once that person. Fun fact: I was single when I became a foster parent. I had been considering foster care for a while before I finally had the guts to have a heart-to-heart sit down with my best friend and fellow foster mom at Foster Love Adopt Repeat. We went out to lunch and I remember telling her I was considering it and asked her if I could become a foster mom as a single parent, and I was met with a resounding "Yes, and sometimes they are even looking for single-parent households due to certain circumstances." That conversation sealed the deal for me, and after that, I was on my way to becoming licensed. When I took my foster parent classes there was one other single mom in the class with me, the rest of the room was couples.

Deciding to become a foster parent as a single woman was a huge thing. I don't think most parents would voluntarily sign up to parent alone. It's hard, like really hard, if for no other reason than just logistically, but honestly, there wasn't much hesitation for me. Thankfully, I was running my own business and working from home with full flexibility in my schedule, so I knew that would make it easier, and I had the full support of my parents (AKA: free built-in babysitters who were dying to become grandparents). So once I found out I could foster as a single mom I was all in.

As all in as I was to become a single mom by choice... the universe had different plans for me, I guess. 2 days after getting my first placement I met my now husband. It's actually a pretty great story I haven't told yet. About a month before I got my license I started the whole dating app thing, primarily to keep me entertained, and maybe meet someone. I started talking to this guy, didn't tell him I was in the process of becoming a foster parent because I truthfully had no idea how long the process would take. I knew, foster mom or not, I wanted to be a mom so of course, asked all the major questions upfront like whether or not he wanted kids. We talked for a few weeks, first in text messages and then over the phone. After hesitation on both ends, we finally set a date for a Thursday night. That Tuesday I got the call for little man. I sent Kevin a message that basically said "So I have this thing that I didn't tell you about because I wasn't sure when it was going to happen, but I recently became a licensed foster parent. I didn't have a placement yet so I didn't want to mention it, but here's the thing, I just got my first placement. If you are totally out I completely understand, but if not can we take a rain check for our date to next week?”

The following conversation went something like this:

Kevin: I have some questions, but not a total deal-breaker. I'm still totally down to meet this week.

Me: I just got a kid though, can we meet next week?

Kevin: I like kids, you can bring him.

Me: It's not really a kid per se, but a newborn baby.

Kevin: Well, he is going to sleep the whole time right?

Me: He's not my kid, I have no idea.

Kevin: Well, I'm ok if you want to bring him. I made reservations, I will be there if you want to meet me, if not that's ok.

I was flabbergasted...he made reservations! We hadn't even talked about where we were going to go for our date. I then of course told all my best friends about my dating dilemma and they all told me I had to go and just to take the baby. I was beyond exhausted after my first two days alone with a newborn, but they all forewarned me I would be way more tired the following week, which was very true. So off I went, 2-week old baby in tow, on a first date....and well, the rest is history. A few months later, he moved in which meant he also had to become a licensed foster parent. A month after that, we got engaged, and a few months after that we got married on the anniversary of our first date. It was a really great running joke among family and friends for quite a while that I basically got a baby and a boyfriend overnight.

Photo by: Tiny House Photo

What I got though was the most incredibly supportive husband on the planet who jumped right into foster care alongside me without skipping a beat. Guys, that's a really big thing. I had years of exposure to foster care, years to think about it, contemplate it, he had a matter of weeks. We talked about it recently, what if he had said he wasn't interested in becoming a foster parent, if we still would have dated. Maybe for a bit, but probably not long. I was committed to being a foster parent. And now so is he. Now, if you've been reading my blog for a bit you know that we haven't committed to being foster parents beyond this point.

When I decided to become a single foster mom I had planned to take a handful of kiddos for as long as I could, knowing that statistically eventually one would stay and I would adopt eventually, hopefully after years of foster kids. I had no idea my first placement would potentially stay forever, but as we are finally reaching potential adoption in our case, here we are. Since Kevin moved in we have had to have some REALLY hard conversations, and because kids are continually coming into care, we have to keep having the conversations with each phone call that comes looking to place children. We have open beds, there aren't a lot of those in our county, but it isn't just about having open beds. And this foster journey is no longer just about me. It's taken me some time to come to accept that. If it was up to me there would be at least 3 kids in our house at this point. But he is our family's sounding board for sure. We don't know what our foster care journey will look like in the future, we are taking it one day at a time, and for the time being, one case at a time. That was something we agreed on a while ago and I think it was a safe bet. Foster care isn't just about the kids you are caring for, it's also about managing their cases, their caseworkers, their visits with biological family, their court dates...it's a lot on top of just regular parenting stuff. So we decided right now that doesn't make sense for our family.

We are still trying to enjoy being newlyweds, if that's a thing with a very active toddler, and decide how we want to build the rest of our family, all while in a pandemic, of course, to make it even more complicated. It changes day to day I think for both of us whether we will continue to foster, maybe another baby, maybe older kids, maybe adopt out of foster care...all the doors are still open, and so are the conversations. It has to be. Parenting alongside someone else guys, I think, is actually harder than doing the whole single mom thing in a lot of ways, and foster parenting is like parenting times ten. But we are in it together and that's what matters. The decisions are made together. If anything is a "no" for one of us, it's a "no" for both of us. It has to be to make it work. Everyone has to be on board with the commitment of being a foster parent or it doesn't work. So today, as I think back about how this journey started for me, I am beyond thankful I had the strength and support to dive all in alone, and even more grateful that I haven't had to do it alone.

Also, just want to say mad props to the single foster parents out there killing it.